Suddenly I feel a tightness in my chest. Something that somehow seems to corrode me from inside out.
In the old days, when I felt like this, I would swallow it – “because I am strong”. “I’m strong!” What does that really mean? I understood that it was a phrase I needed to tell myself. A noise from my surroundings. Appearances matter, yes. Being well is part of daily life. Build incredible things too. I told myself I did not have time to be tired. Not to be productive. To need love. “I am Independent” was the title I gave myself internally. A title that really brought me independence. Financial. Structural. Business wise. Living my art. And also to live from my art. My freedom – of being who I wanted to be, or more important than that – the freedom to be who I really am. But a title that also built walls and bridges inside of me, that took me to nowhere. That made me hurt myself from within and turn my back to some people. Or I would rather not allow people to really approach me. A shield through a smile. A shield through determination. A shield to be able to do what I want.
Yes, I did all this – and I do it every day.
But a shield that also brought a void.
My own cage.
Today this void overflowed with tears, which simply had to run from inside out. That allowed me to feel. There are days that I feel weak, insecure, incapable, tired physically – and mentally. With todays tears I realised I miss feeling.
I do not always need to be well. Always be strong. Be sensitive. Vulnerable. A strong, determined and disciplined warrior. Rational and emotional. Ambitious and humble. All together. Ever!
“Calm down Kalina, super heroes do not exist.”
Perfection does not exist.
They are only projections of a future, of our ego, of our self, of recognition and fear at the same time.
I find freedom here. In the realization that I do not have to carry the world on my back. That I can rather allow myself to rest, shut down and simply to be. In the present moment. If I do not want to create. If I do not want to tick all the items on the list of the day. If after lunch I just want to lie down. Or go out for a walk. It’s ok. Actually it’s more than ok.
What exactly is not relevant
What is important is truly be present. Here, and now!
At this point only.
The projection of the future does not matter, the past evenless.
A present indeed.
All that I’ve built so far. The hours of the dedication and determination. Everything I’ve done – yes with my own hands – up to here. All those who went through my life. All I’ve got. All that I am.
A present that I have conquered.
I feel the urge to overflow.
Words are not enough. Writing is not enough. The drawing is not enough. I just need to let it flow. A little death for more life to come. Let some things die for others to be born. A small life-death-life cycle. That tears still run while I write this, from the inside out.
Hello tears – be very welcome.
You are my present – my gift – to close some cycles for others to flourish. To feel. To nourish. To Rise, allow and deserve.
The tears bring me the brightness of my vision.
It’s the life in my eyes.
It’s the life in my heart, that needs to overflow.
Be very welcome, to be part of my daily life now.