Are you listening?
To your breath?
The blood running through your veins?
To your body?
It talks, all the time.
If you close your eyes this instant, you feel the pulse of your heart, the intensity of your breathing, the relaxation or tension of each limb. On the mental and corporal plane. Tiredness or energy. Anxiety or serenity. Past, present and future. Everything leaves marks on our body. Everything we think leaves marks. Yes, the manifestations of the body – of the matter – are only reflections of our mind. And vice versa. The mind and the body. The body and the mind. They’re just one. Each organ, in its good functioning or not, has the association with a behavior, a habit, a pattern of thoughts. Just listen.
Are you listening?
I’ve learned to listen. Through conscious eating I have created a healthy body. High immunity. An exercise routine that gave me strength and body awareness. For some time the yoga – today the meditation that brings me presence. And the constant search for self-knowledge using the most varied tools. Diving inside. Some dives deeper than others.
This year I had one of these great dives. The breaking of beliefs, new attitudes, a self discovery, the elimination of external noises. The meeting of my true inner voice. Sitting alone in my living room and feeling empty. I tried to mask it. I traveled. I worked – like never before. Leaks and external searches for answers that were hidden inside of me. Yes, we tend to think that the outside world can bring us a comfort. But the truth is that if we do not find it within ourselves first, the outside can hardly add up in a positive way. We end up covering our questions with the outside world, that is not real, because the truth lies only within ourselves. Just listen.
Is it easy? It may be, but it may not be either. It is up to you, to your will and determination to actually take these dives, look your shadows in the eye and then discover that there is a rainbow of colors and light ready to overflow. Giant wings ready to fly.
Okay, kaju, and what happened to your health this year then, if you’ve been developing that strength and consciousness for the past years?
The truth is I crossed my own limit. Since I was a little girl, I stand in the world as a strong and independent woman. This has been amazing – because it takes me to so many places and accomplishments. And at the same time it brings me a great difficulty, to recognize that I need help – or to ask for help. I have a way of solving everything on my own. For what? The truth is that it was a quest for approval. A control that becomes a prison in many times. This year I had to face this shadow in the eye. Almost three years ago I began to have symptoms of a hormonal imbalance – skin and metabolism mainly deregulated. I sought external responses, but the truth was that it took me a long time to face the fact that I was unhappy. I was in denial. I was telling a story to myself. I was stuck in a cycle, in a relationship that was intoxicating me. I was intoxicating myself with fears and frustrations. And the worst was, I thought that somehow that was normal. That maybe I deserved that. At the end of 2017 I started a deep dive. I started a cleansing. What stays, what does not? What is right, what is not? What did I need to leave behind to make room for the new. I ended a long relationship. I sold eighty percent of my belongings. I moved houses, moved to another town, changed my attitudes. Was it enough? No, because we can not do everything by ourselves.
It took me a while to realize this. I cleaned up a lot of things. I found myself again. I rediscovered my femininity, I found my spontaneity again. I opened up. But some beliefs remained. I was still wearing armors. I did not deliver everything to the universe. To the fluidity of the universe. I was still keeping myself in prison, in an illusion of being in control. The symptoms got worse. Hormones, skin, metabolism, my cycle stopped, other organs got to the point of fatigue. I was tired. Swollen. I had no strength – and I was still keeping an insane pace. I broke down. The body screamed!
I assumed that I needed help. I found a doctor who aligned with my holistic view of the world. I started a compromise with myself – both physical and psychosomatic. Yes, all manifestations of the body come from the mind, and from the mind, comes the body. Everything is intertconnected
The physical diagnosis: the right ovary with an opening – an injury – that unbalanced my hormones. A polycystic ovary would be the popular definition for this. The opening in the ovary allowed bacteria – which inhabit our own body – to attack the damaged area. With the increase in testosterone – male hormone – came the symptoms like pimples, breakage in the menstrual cycle, and an high level of body stress. The more exercise I did, the more my body produced cortisol (stress hormone), and the vicious cycle got worse. With this, the the first organ to get tired, were the kidneys, responsible for the production of red blood cells and also the cleaning and elimination of toxins and liquids. I was intoxicated and could not get rid of it. My face was swollen. I ended the days with swollen feet and hands. Feeling heavy knees. A repetitive cycle. The body screamed.
The psychosomatic diagnosis: the search and struggle for territory. The belief that I needed my family’s permission to do certain things. To be who I really am. A negative and vicious cycle that was inside my past relationship. Having to position myself all the time. Impose my opinion and beliefs all the time. I got really tired of it. However, instead of positioning myself, I settled. I ran. I did this in both scenarios. At the end of the year I broke the relationship cycle, but some wounds were still open. Around the family, I tried to escape, but I had to go back, face it and position myself. Express myself. Testosterone and kidneys are linked to it. Animal characteristics of the males. To pee to mark territory. Be the strong and dominant figure within a relationship. I left my feminine side – aside. My ovaries felt that.
The treatment: Natural medicines – herbs and plants – drops and capsules – many of them. A detoxification. To eliminate toxins and bacteria that were attacking my body. Cure the lesions of the ovary. Slow the pace of work and exercise, to get the body down from the very high level of stress that it was in. And parallel to that, working on the psique. I saw a therapist (and am still seeing sometimes) who created a method that unites quantum physics, hypnosis, access, energies, anthropology. A mix and match that helped me realize my attitudes. It helped me break beliefs. To position myself. To reconnect with my feminine side. The union of these two brought me more awareness – and more than that – the perception of myself. Which I was leaving aside. To watch and understand myself in situations. Notice me in my own attitudes. Position myself. And be gentle with myself. To not put so much weight on myself – to rest. Allow myself – to just be myself. All the time.
The result: this week, after two months of treatment I returned to the doctor. Yes, I managed to heal the “lesions” in my ovary. They are closed, and the bacteria eliminated. I feel more balanced, stronger. My skin has improved (not a 100%, but it will), I’m menstruating again. I learned to listen better to my body. Migraines – which were so present during my whole life – today I know they are tied to being rigid to myself. When they begin to manifest, I stop, and listen. I slow down. The tiredness, is another a warning too. In the family, I am positioning myself differently. As a professional I’m evolving and positioning myself in a different way. As a woman, I’m letting myself manifest, the way I am.
It’s a healing in process. So I do not fall into the same cycle again. But the first step is given. And the second, and the third as well. I went through and am going through an expansion process. And the feeling I have is that with each passing day, I leave a piece of me behind. And I try not to look back. Because it simply does not matter. What matters is what’s in front of me. Here and now. My daily check became the question: is it light, or is it heavy? Situations, jobs, people. To everything. What is light flows. What is heavy must go. Are all days amazing? Not always. I also have insecurities. Questions. I let some tears run down. I do an internal cleaning. And I take another step, leaving one more piece of me behind. And so I continue, in this moment, in this constant evolution and permission to be strong – yes – but also to show my vulnerability. Of perceiving myself. To express myself. The way I am. To feel.
Are you listening?